On August 18, major news organizations took the pulse of the country for the ninth time since noon, gathering another panel of experts for a five minute divisive discussion– only to have the host cut it short to report on widespread riots around the country.
The Minnesota Republic decided to do some of our own investigating to find out if the country is in danger of a civil war like the mainstream media ominously suggests. Our investigative journalists made an expedition into neighborhoods across the nation and interviewed citizens to get their take on what is happening in our country. Wearing a Kevlar vest and equipped only with her wit and a handheld voice recorder our brave soldier of real news rode out to the dangerous suburbs of Austin, Minnesota. Upon arrival, she had to take shelter in a gas station that was selling fuel at an unreasonable $2.60 a gallon to avoid a stray frisbee.
On whether he believes a war may break out, Austin resident James Koro stated,”It feels like I can’t even go outside anymore! The kids in the cul-de-sac make hideous chalk art on the sidewalk and my neighbor is constantly trimming his hedges with a weed-wacker. I just don’t feel safe anymore.”
Shocked, our journalist conceded that she didn’t think things could have been that bad.
Koro attributed the rise in dangerous activity to recent political events:
“I just feel so polarized right now. I can’t even guess what the children are going through with such strong political figures in office. When I was listening to the news the other day, I couldn’t help but think they were drastically understating the problems in the United States.”
Somewhat shaken, our ardent reporter continued on her journey, traveling down to Winnemucca, Nevada. There, she stopped at the home of Jorge Taños to see how he felt.
“How do I feel? My investments only returned a six percent growth and my wife was nearly rear-ended the other day! It feels like our country is falling apart,” Taños said. “I just pray that CNN can give me some guidance as to how I should react to all of this; otherwise, I don’t know what I’ll do. I’ve started looking into moving to Canada just to be safe.”
After deciding it was too overwhelming, seeing all of the suffering and division befalling our fellow citizens, our journalist returned from her harrowing expedition. Exhausted and terrified, she was still able to articulate what she learned:
“It’s so much worse than we thought…. than anyone thought. CNN, Fox, CNBC, ABC, all of them. They all have it wrong. Our country is falling apart at the seams! Families can’t agree on where to go to eat for dinner, high school seniors are breaking up before they move on to college, and the Oreo cookie dough blizzard I got from Dairy Queen wasn’t mixed all the way to the bottom of the cup!”
After she recovered, our journalist was able to explain more calmly, “The mainstream media networks have totally undersold the state of our nation. We all need to get the word out about how horrible everything is; otherwise, our country might not make it through Thanksgiving.”